Better Behavior
Spend one-on-one time with kids on a daily basis
This is the most important advice I give to parents. Kids are hard-wired to need an emotional connection and attention every day, and if they don’t get it, consequences and other discipline tools won’t be effective (not to mention the fact that they might resort to practicing their ninja scream indoors just to turn your head). Just 10-15 minutes of one-on-one quality time once or twice a day will do wonders to fend off negative behavior from your kids!
Everyone contributes!
All kids, toddlers to teens, should be responsible for family contributions (not “chores”) they do on a daily basis. When you expect your kids to contribute at home, you’ll develop important life skills, foster family teamwork and ward off the entitlement epidemic.
Be a stickler for bedtimes
Most toddlers to teens get far less sleep than their growing bodies need. Consult your pediatrician about the hours of shut-eye kids need by age and if necessary, adjust the bedtime backwards by 10 minutes every few nights. A well-rested kid is a well-behaved kid!
Training, not Time Outs
If Time Outs aren’t working for you, take heart. It’s not you and it’s not your kids. Forcing a child to go to his room or the naughty chair for a prescribed period of time does nothing to teach him to make a better choice next time. For a strong-willed child, Time Out will most certainly escalate the power struggle. Instead, ask the question… “What can I do to teach him to make a better choice next time?” Focusing on training rather than punishment will almost always deliver better results.
Don’t play judge & jury in your kids’ fights
Parents escalate sibling rivalry when they step in to determine who’s at fault and who should receive a punishment. Taking sides creates a winner and loser and fuels competition. It also robs kids of the valuable opportunity to work out the conflict on their own. Ignore kids’ squabbles whenever possible and if you need to step in, simply say, “I’m not concerned with who started it, I’m here to help you come up with a solution. What ideas do you have to resolve this problem?”
Be clear—and simple—about your family rules
First, narrow down your top 50 family rules to a handful that are most important. Then, assign a consequence, warn your kids ahead of time and stand your ground. For instance, remind kids that access to technology is a privilege, not a right, and be crystal clear about rules for a smartphone or computer. . If they aren’t willing to follow your family rules for technology, it goes away. Assure them the public library has rows of computers they can use for homework.
Be a YES Mom or Dad
Kids hear us say “no” or “don’t” more times than we care to know—and they resent it (wouldn’t you?). Find opportunities to say “yes” when you would normally say “no.” When your son asks to go to the park after school and you know there’s no way it can fit in the schedule, say “yes” instead: “The park sounds awesome! Would you like to go this Friday after school or on Saturday morning?”
Root for routines
Create clearly defined routines for the most challenging times of the day – mornings, after school and bedtimes. Seek input from your child when creating the routines and then stick to them. If you’ve agreed on two books and five minutes of snuggles every night before bedtime, stick to it! If you give in to Jamie’s pitiful plea for just “one more book” or “two more minutes,” it lets her know the routine is up for negotiation every night.
Smile more! Think about the energy you give off
Would your kids describe you as fun and lighthearted, or stressed, always in a hurry and downright bossy? If the latter sounds frighteningly familiar, it’s probably time to smile more. The simple act of smiling changes your energy. You’ll find yourself using a calmer voice and your kids will respond positively. Place smiley face Post-It notes around your house this week as a visual reminder, and watch as your family’s dynamic grows more positive every day.
Remember that misbehavior is telling you something
When determining the best strategy to deal with misbehavior, ask yourself, “Why is this behavior really happening?” Dig deep until you can get to the root cause. Is she jealous of the time you spend with a sibling or your computer? Does she feel powerless because you call all the shots and don’t give her age appropriate independence? Misbehavior is always a symptom of a deeper issue. When we identify the root cause, we can be more targeted in the strategy to correct it.
Spend one-on-one time with kids on a daily basis
This is the most important advice I give to parents. Kids are hard-wired to need an emotional connection and attention every day, and if they don’t get it, consequences and other discipline tools won’t be effective (not to mention the fact that they might resort to practicing their ninja scream indoors just to turn your head). Just 10-15 minutes of one-on-one quality time once or twice a day will do wonders to fend off negative behavior from your kids!
Everyone contributes!
All kids, toddlers to teens, should be responsible for family contributions (not “chores”) they do on a daily basis. When you expect your kids to contribute at home, you’ll develop important life skills, foster family teamwork and ward off the entitlement epidemic.
Be a stickler for bedtimes
Most toddlers to teens get far less sleep than their growing bodies need. Consult your pediatrician about the hours of shut-eye kids need by age and if necessary, adjust the bedtime backwards by 10 minutes every few nights. A well-rested kid is a well-behaved kid!
Training, not Time Outs
If Time Outs aren’t working for you, take heart. It’s not you and it’s not your kids. Forcing a child to go to his room or the naughty chair for a prescribed period of time does nothing to teach him to make a better choice next time. For a strong-willed child, Time Out will most certainly escalate the power struggle. Instead, ask the question… “What can I do to teach him to make a better choice next time?” Focusing on training rather than punishment will almost always deliver better results.
Don’t play judge & jury in your kids’ fights
Parents escalate sibling rivalry when they step in to determine who’s at fault and who should receive a punishment. Taking sides creates a winner and loser and fuels competition. It also robs kids of the valuable opportunity to work out the conflict on their own. Ignore kids’ squabbles whenever possible and if you need to step in, simply say, “I’m not concerned with who started it, I’m here to help you come up with a solution. What ideas do you have to resolve this problem?”
Be clear—and simple—about your family rules
First, narrow down your top 50 family rules to a handful that are most important. Then, assign a consequence, warn your kids ahead of time and stand your ground. For instance, remind kids that access to technology is a privilege, not a right, and be crystal clear about rules for a smartphone or computer. . If they aren’t willing to follow your family rules for technology, it goes away. Assure them the public library has rows of computers they can use for homework.
Be a YES Mom or Dad
Kids hear us say “no” or “don’t” more times than we care to know—and they resent it (wouldn’t you?). Find opportunities to say “yes” when you would normally say “no.” When your son asks to go to the park after school and you know there’s no way it can fit in the schedule, say “yes” instead: “The park sounds awesome! Would you like to go this Friday after school or on Saturday morning?”
Root for routines
Create clearly defined routines for the most challenging times of the day – mornings, after school and bedtimes. Seek input from your child when creating the routines and then stick to them. If you’ve agreed on two books and five minutes of snuggles every night before bedtime, stick to it! If you give in to Jamie’s pitiful plea for just “one more book” or “two more minutes,” it lets her know the routine is up for negotiation every night.
Smile more! Think about the energy you give off
Would your kids describe you as fun and lighthearted, or stressed, always in a hurry and downright bossy? If the latter sounds frighteningly familiar, it’s probably time to smile more. The simple act of smiling changes your energy. You’ll find yourself using a calmer voice and your kids will respond positively. Place smiley face Post-It notes around your house this week as a visual reminder, and watch as your family’s dynamic grows more positive every day.
Remember that misbehavior is telling you something
When determining the best strategy to deal with misbehavior, ask yourself, “Why is this behavior really happening?” Dig deep until you can get to the root cause. Is she jealous of the time you spend with a sibling or your computer? Does she feel powerless because you call all the shots and don’t give her age appropriate independence? Misbehavior is always a symptom of a deeper issue. When we identify the root cause, we can be more targeted in the strategy to correct it.